I was born in the village lunggaian, a remote village in the west of the city Balfour. Was born from the extraordinary to me that the couple Syarifudin with Russian born as a son of the 5th of seven children. I was born right on the 25th of August in the same village, the name taken from the month of my birth. Originally agussantoso then my name is not changed to agussantoso when I was in elementary school. My mother once had been so instrumental for letting me see this beautiful world, although in the end I had a lot through the trials and ordeals, life with my family. Since childhood I have always suffered with a mother and was forced to join my suffering, I really owe all services of the same mother, though sometimes I was in my unfair treatment by others, I myself just do not know what causes it, I remember I was the kid who often mother scolded my brothers also. For this occasion let me say a word to your mother, I Love Mom for all. Here's a little story about me baby I'm starting to grow up now, insha allah everything will be summarized here.
Around age 5 months I was attacked skin diseases (scab) my whole body from head to toe, not a trace is left everything got, this is the first test since I was born in the mortal world 'this. I can not imagine at such an early age with a blanket over me in a festering sore, disgusting indeed only one who faithfully accompany mothers, caring for, and assist me in every day, every breath of mine's mother is always there beside me, taking care with compassion, this 's why when it was big then I tried as much as possible not to say harsh words at Mother although sometimes annoyed I only choose to remain silent rather than say rough, because he is so big if his services in the lyrics when I was a baby who has not understood anything, without love I love he might have gone in this world. There was no one else who wants to play with me, because they may be disgusted with my body full of sores, I also do not know why the skin disease on my body stand up once unabashedly 2 years ride on baby skin.
As long as it is also the mother who is taking care of me, always loyal and sincere to the circumstances that happened to me, wrinkled face shows how tormented with the circumstances I will not go away, as long as it is also often told my mother could not eat that impact itchy as salted fish, fish paste and others have bad impact on me, with love that is causing him willingly hold it all, thank you mom was pahlwanku with loving care for me even though you're disgusted with how I was doing, but you're right it's not their attention, all for my own good. During that time I also could only swing and lying on a mattress that faithfully accompany my skin disease.
Time was spinning, two years have passed with all its trials and tribulations. I grew into children fresh, skin diseases that once blanketed disappeared without a trace. But with the end of the trials of skin disease was not stop there, from the age of five I was always so in monthly brethren, every day is always mad, being beaten, kicked like a sibling not like half-brother. Misnawati eldest brother his name, he is often or even every day non-stop berating and hurting me, due to act of my eldest brother was the one that my other brother also went along berating and insulting to the extent that parents also seemed to be provoked. Maybe because I always secretly without revolt when in mad, so they were rampant, my heart really was cut by the state, not a single place for me to complain. One day terbesit in my heart to desert, but I do not know where to go toward my goal. I was just a little kid who has not understood anything do not you want to survive out of this objec course I could not, ultimately I did not do anything just resigned with all sorts of names or insults of my brothers. As I write this without feeling any tears out of the corners of my eyes, down my cheeks leaving behind scratches that suffering, I can not bear to imagine my childhood was, a bleak period barrage garnished suffering. With very forced me to live it even feels sore. I do not know what all my setega reason it did to me, perhaps because my face was ugly and did not like them, or maybe because I already have diseases that the birth of the little ashamed to admit me as a brother.
Criticism, nagging, torture who became my daily diet. Time was slowly rotating, a day like a year to live on. I like the robin in a cage, do not you want to play fly with other birds to see the world only he could, only able to look at life through the narrow cage, the cage like a tiger for me there is no shred of peace for me live. No time like removed from its place, was a long time spinning. At such an early age I had to be willing to condition existing.
now I have six years of age I was attracted to the school, see them dressed red white hearts how nice it if I could wear that uniform, going to school with my friends, wear new clothes, new shoes, his new book all new. I finally was educated by my parents with only rudimentary, new clothes, new shoes, new bag, which previously I could imagine I was wearing when my initial speculation was the only school aka a mere wishful thinking, all my friends who are new to the school its all completely new, but not with me. I have an older brother and three older sisters, sulyadi name of my brother's, used clothing from kak sulyadi it had been the first outfit to school in 1996, both bags, shoes, books, all was not Nothing new, everything continues until graduation. There is a feeling of lump in the heart, why the other brothers at the beginning of school definitely buy clothes, shoes, school supplies are completely new, while I do not, I feel this is unfair? I feel hope something odd, what's behind all this? The question always mengahantui my feelings, but quickly dismissed those feelings I never regretted it, even I'm proud of all of them because I still be allowed to get an education, because in the future I feel the benefits and tremendous ibrah from this lesson all.
While in elementary school, can count on one hand my parents gave me money for snacks, again I'm not sad that I play kelerang hobby, illustration, rubber bracelets. Every time I play him I won often results with the selling of friends from there I can make a little money I buy books and snacks. Insults and verbal abuse continued even though the first and second brother married, Misnawati first sister married a man in the next village so she lives with her husband, the second brother was the same lismiana already married but his house right next to my parents house. I feel all the insults and the test will end, but it turns out I missed much conjecture, my four sisters to inherit the same properties as sister misnawati even my two younger siblings were also hurt follow me, yes I have a story that I also have two sisters , the first born in 1993 and whose name ardila bunggsu sigit born in 1995, contributed to these feelings hurt.
At that time I was Grade 5 elementary and sister to four yeni commonly called 6th grade, it was time to make my heart very sore and hurt even I did not expect to my brother, as much of his cruel towards me. At that time my parents gardening and garden away from the house so that my mother and father lived in the garden for a while until the harvest arrives, the residents coincidence yeni, I along with my two sisters and ardila sigit.
Experience hitting my feelings how could a brother so cruel to his own siblings, when the meal arrives they usually eat all the dishes in the first nahasnya finish and I just ate the rest of their meal. I am just not up there in contempt, in mad, like a sibling not alone, even in the ballpark I was expelled from the house said in a statement that they do not want to live at home with me, indeed it is painful for me, this heart was crying like a sharp knife sliced, days and I was only able to look at life with a lazy eye, my eyes swollen with weeping, on the family that I never considered as saudarnya. I actually dropped, in corners often my nights awake, crying tears in the darkness of night, gnawing it to accept this reality, I wanted to rebel but whatever power I was a little boy who does not understand anything, just shut up and be able menteskan tears. Often at night I just slept bertemankan cold floor alone, while kak yeni along with my younger brothers and sisters slept soundly in the room. My parents had to know what was going on in the house as long as he does not exist, but that made me grow sad my parents it merely responded saying, he was not even mad at the slightest yeni kak treatment. My parents decided that I was staying at my sister's house two lismiana kak, there I can breathe fresh seemed to escape from the pursuit of ferocious tiger, I just feel more serene life as a human being without any interruption. I besryukur and thanked all the kak lis that has refused to accept my presence, and a brother is born abject poor living.
Complete primary school in 2002 I wanted to continue to boarding school because kak sulyadi sribandung was educated by my parents there, I wanted to study religion together chaplain, gather together those who are pious, kind, knowledgeable and most importantly, to learn independently. I can not imagine being able to get out of town in a city that wander far away, but all of it for a while does not materialize, happen to kak sulyadi also religious high school graduation / sma and she wanted to go to college. Here we can see clearly that my parents are more concerned with others than on me, this time I had to bite the bullet again, a lump in the question that why should I care that in this kind of treatment? sul and kak kak yeni after SD directly proceed to the mts / smp with me why not, why? The question continues mengahantui mind if reluctant to go out of my mind. Kak attitude that I disappoint sul, why he would not budge when he had completed his studies at religious high level, while the new I want to continue to mts forced to relent.
Again making my parents do not favor to me, brother who go to school and I was at the first stop / alias idle for 2 know, another brother who seemed delighted if I was in the first stop might be at the heart prayed him not to proceed school. I was crying no one cares, I will remember the intention to run away from the village ran away to obey the will of the heart, but I undo the intention was at the time I believed that god almighty look, I'm sure there's something he plans for the good of myself, but our brains was limited to reach it, for two years I was just in that village alone, helping my parents garden and earn money for school supplies I had.
Merondol it was my job as long as I do not go to school, the village people merondol term alias memungiti palm fruit under a tree that fell into the basket and in transport to the farm owned by relatives of the father's side. Almost faithful day that's what I do, the results are quite even feel tired and lethargic, during the two weeks around 50 sampai100 thousand money that I earn from the results of my work, is not balanced it with the energy and time that must I sacrifice my age especially with children who are still I do not care about children but it is important I can raise money for my school fees later. Al results I could only muster around 800 thousand for 2 years. Money that's what I use to buy books, shoes, bags, and school clothes. My second sister was crying lismiana see that my effort was really like to go back to school, because he's also one in the family who just finished up, first there is a desire to continue to smp in Balfour, but my father would not let him
During the two years that I also spend my time in the garden with my parents and my two younger brothers, now I'm the one who take care of the house and my younger siblings after kak yeni melanjutka mts to sribandung, but I never take revenge for treatment in give to the younger siblings while still kak yeni, as much as possible I do them good, my younger siblings from school sometimes, but sometimes the garden of the house because it is the distance between the house and the garden was not so far away, but I am often to the garden helping my parents, although sometimes it feels lazy and does not want to follow their orders but the heart is saying no. So despite careful Kesel all orders I obey my parents. One day, in the garden when my father and mother in the garden weeding I grab with both my sister, this was the first time I was mad at my brother. I had an argument with my sister ardila women. It made him angry, so the sickle, a tool to clean grass is she holding thrown towards me, fortunately was not hit, he scathingly revile me, the first time I've upset at scolded soundly others are right brother when he was insulted, abused, and even out the words to me dad just said nothing.
"I promise you will not continue school," my father cried
Unable to hear the words I ran into forestry near the garden, where I reveal my crying uncontrollably, I were really devastated by my father's words. At that time I was really feeling human being the world's most unfortunate, I hope my family can see me, to defend me when all the blame even be the first person who did not deserve to be, until I fell asleep in the small forest that satisfy sobs. In between - between sobs only one who still remembered in my mind, that he was the god of Sebak-good place to complain. I was lifted hands praying
"Oh god this time there is no place else for me to sue all of life's problems, only to you ya allah, my family, father, mother, brothers and sisters no one cares pu with me, I'm living like a stranger in my own family. You are the one who know ya allah wisdom what is behind all this, is this the best for me? Ya allah, replace the pain with pleasure. Make the initial sadness of happiness. This fear Sirnakan menadi peaceful feeling. "
Which strengthens my belief that sincere and steadfast to face all the trials for the ordeal ahead. Until the end of two years was passed by former menyisahkan deep in the heart, I, too, have forgotten the incident in the garden. My parents were probably with heavy juice to send me, but because of my strong commitment to the school at the end I was in boarding school restui for sribandung. Money as long as I work for two years that's a start I school, to buy shoes, clothes, bags, school books. Kak lismiana was moved to tears, restrained look at the state of me, of my face visible streaks no streaks deep pain and suffering hidden behind a restrained smile, this is the second time he had tears in his eyes looking at me, imagine all my long suffering ni.
Has become a tradition in the village and also in my family, generally in rural communities is if anyone is looking for a job migrated abroad or were off studying before leaving in sedekahi or given a salvation prayer. Yeni sul sister and when she left the first time to sribandung was formerly in sedekahi. But it all goes for all my family except me. I departed without any ceremony, silent as my departure did not expect an. Re feeling haunted me in a large question mark, there is with all of this. The reason my parents because of the sudden departure so do not have time to make a show like that, not all that it has become ingrained tradition but the time I did not de execute a turn, there is a kind of singularity, and the complete lack of respect even though it is not in his religious beliefs, that there are only pray, but tetao course it becomes a puzzle in my life.
My father had come to take me to a boarding school sribandung, feel uncomfortable with neighbors or indeed to awareness to drive me there, I'm very grateful she wants to deliver me. He was the one who enrolled me in the company of cousins too kak kak yeni who happened to continue aliyah there too. I stayed with my cousin sister in a remote village kostan seribandung, its a decent boarding bkan boarding, no normal entrance is just a door window so the estuary and out. After that the only two times I visited the father of mts till I finished, I took the money monthly in Palembang at the college sul kak at IAIN, or sometimes she is visiting me to sribandung. For 5 years I nyantri in sribandung never once did my mother visited me to just look at the state of me here or see what my condition. Alsana him because of his distance away and it took a huge cost in added again often drunk when car rides to answer when I asked why it was never visited. Her fateful mts Even my graduation he was also not present, making me very upset once. How not, When kak sul and yeni graduation he was willing to sacrifice all the time to attend the graduation ceremony, but when I was at the graduation was my mother's father wanted no one present, but this was the most important moment for me for three years and will now menyantri at graduation , again I have to be strong and hold heart thundering in his chest disappointment, maybe it was the one scenario that has been scratched by the authority.
But I'm grateful to the attitudes and actions that they provide may have read motivates me to move forward, if only as it continues without change until the end of my life I would be in this kind of treatment so I was determined with all my ability to maximize time for learning and learning. Although sometimes late submissions from parents, sometimes eating only salt but it all not to obstacle to progress, never to late submissions a week, no one can eat very forced eventually to work in the sugar plantations in exchange 15.500/hari with two comrades me, even to look for fish and result in the sale so make money to survive, essentially seek various ways in order to survive and feel beautiful all the time.
With limited facilities and infrastructure to learn but I remain as much as possible to take advantage of the best possible time, it continues to learn and get better. The result was not how, when I was in Grade 3 mts into one of four other students to take the test a scholarship to continue in MAN scholar who was raised by the former president of Indonesia habibi in serpong and Gorontalo, I feel proud of themselves even though I do not know if successful or not, the most important is the final effort gods who decide. I berhayal, if passed this scholarship I would not even bother anymore to ask for school fees kepda to two right my parents so lighten their load. I and my friends eagerly to pursue that dream, enthusiastic classmates were also the principal and homeroom very positive support, making me growing passion to pursue that dream. The good news to tell me directly through the mother via telephone.
"Mom, I was elected as one of the students who are eligible for the scholarship test to scholars MAN" I said quietly
Faintly audible answer at the end of the phone, because the lack of signal in the village I
"Thank God my kids, proud mother to hear" he stammered, clearly audible sadness and pride from his voice, sad past may haunt the bleak and tortuous, and proud because it started from kak kak yeni sul with none of the notch this achievement. I also explained to him what equipment harsus in perisapkan as requirements, such as legalized diploma, birth certificate, etc.. Lismiana brother he proudly welcomed the news, As with kak misnawati For the first time he has always insulted, hurt and made me shed a spiritual since childhood suffered tears to hear the news. I'm not sure why, probably he remembered all his actions during the treatment and this caused him to cry terhdap me, who never thought his kedapan I could be like this. Allah knows best
My effort has been done, ranging from requirements to prepare for the test phase. The days I spent to learn and keep learning is concerned with the subjects that will test them later. In short there is no time wasted, time off should I use to go home for the national exams so all students have completed the third grade in order tsanawiyah religious high or go home, but I'm staying in boarding school because the environment is conducive to learning solemn. Exam test conducted after haflah think it was on 28 June 2007, its implementation in Palembang. So, out of the celebration of the 26th haflah I immediately rushed to the spot to kak sulyadi Palembang, he settled in kots until the advent of the day of the test. On 27, there was no indication of a boarding party of certainty that test, my colleagues also no confirmation that entry, kak sul finally called my homeroom, after the phone turns on our behalf Air sribandung four representatives from schools not listed on the offices sumsel so it can not take the test. I bowed weakly heard the news, my whole body feels lethargic and weak, my dream turned aground in the middle of the road before the match, but if I can get away from the test I will not burden my parents anymore at least not in terms of cost, as well as the name ustad and ustzah me and the most important is the name of my boarding lodge seribandung pesntren Nurul Islam.
I stared blankly kedapan, look at me like this there is a slight feeling of pity I saw my brother's face. Brightness and joy in my face now gradually faded. After the prayer, I paused long enough in the mat, my mind was still going to get carried away these tests. Covered with a feeling of sadness in me tengadahkan my hands and pray to the almighty presence.
"Oh god, servant conscious self is as strong as any attempt, no matter how hard I dream, you nevertheless who ultimately will decide. Sincere servant of allah ya if today the dream has not been achieved, servants believe this is the best for the servants, but let the servant in order to achieve that dream on another occasion. Grant the prayer of a weak servant is yes god, amen "
To the next morning, I immediately rushed home with a hint of disappointment. I know the following is not necessarily going to pass the test, but at least it will not feel disappointed if it has been fought and lost. There was no pride in itself even when it's trying to pass, at least we can measure the extent where Traffic that is within us.
I was confused as to where I should go back to school, in the hope of getting biasiswa MAN scholars fail, originally I wanted to MAN 2 palembang but not sanctioned by my parents because of high cost, so the word kak sul studying at IAIN. My husband's brother-in-law of kak misnawati suggested I went to high school in Balfour TARUNA, the reason is simple because no one in this family who became the military or POLICE, in my family there are three boys, but not one that wants him there by accident I had no intention to go there, sister sul can not because as a child had a broken leg, is due to play in the waterfall plunge-wood contact with the water so that finally broke his leg. While I was the youngest brother was with him a broken arm in a fall from the goalposts. Only I have no former defect, the brother-in-law was the fundamental reason I suggested such a thing. The proposal was in to it to my parents, my parents namunLagi again nothing is agreed, and finally in the end it anyway if it wants to continue school to continue in sribandung just said my father. Well, if my father had taken decisions, no longer do I stand apart Obeying his suggestion, I was finally receive the scenario with my sister who happens to also continue in the mts.
There is one hope I approve suggestions why my father, he said that if it did not stand again in the future you may move sribandung he said. The fruit is a relief for me the motivation to keep at home in sribandung. I was able to survive in the religious high for about nine months a year, before I moved to ittifaqiah. During aliyah in sribandung I never sulk at my parents, may pique that I've been buried in the dam could not anymore, as long as I live I always made in the left, I was not considered as a child or sibling in the family. I made a strategy to rebuke them with gentle way, I found a good idea, his usual Eid moments always in containers with a gathering of all family members, who had to return home far to enliven Idul Fitri with family. Eid Moement this is what I made tools to reprimand him for this policy which I think is less fair.
Eid al-Fitr in 2008 I decided to not return to hometown, actually my determination was made not to go home. I sribandung Eid in boarding with a friend who familer namely Abdul Hadi who also happens to not come home. The first attempt is successful, many times parents call me to ask why not go home, but I had to settle for the reality turns out he was limited to asking why not go home, this heart medengarnya sad I cried uncontrollably, his unfortunate how my life was born in the world but no one wants to acknowledge me as a brother
I feel better not to be born into this world if it should be like this, too sick painful life in this world, I thought. Almost no happiness in my life is, everything in the blanket with dark, there is only patch of light that illuminated the faith. Sincere, that's what I did for this, which is supposed to be a happy holiday gathering with family, a variety of jokes and laughter, sorry forgive, now I can not enjoy. Desolate, deserted, silent pause and I feel, feel of Eid al-Fitr is not felt at all.
In my time alone in the dorm tetegun, hp rang suddenly make my reverie shattered. I see kak sul calling, my mother turns the call while sobbing on the phone ung he wept and regretted why I did not go home, I'm thrilled to hear it, this is the first time I wept for my mother. With difficulty I replied with a subtle "Mom kenpa should cry, boy-lak in this family right there are three brothers and sister went home, also the other all at present. Without me, I do not think it reduces the pure happiness in the here "mother understands, but he continued his speech as a mother feels so good why is not that one does not come home, the mother feels no one is missing. That is what makes me touched there was a bit of concern for me even a little. At the end of the call he said to not repeat his future. I'm glad I managed the business, but I'm also sad mother has made me like it, even though I also can not stand when my mother called these tears were not restrained it flows by itself. After the incident, there was a slight change of attitude and behavior of my parents were against me as well as my brother who has been looking at me with one eye, getting a little reduced. I am grateful that my strategy for this sizable imprint in their hearts.
At the end of second grade aliyah I finally decided to move out of this school, my father has previously been promised to move me if it is not comfortable anymore in seribandung, I was moved to ittifaqiah, ittifaqiah why I chose as my second boarding because I see so ittifaqiah many scholarship opportunities in the country itself and abroad. It was the principle reason for me. Al results of my parents were mengaminkan to inginanku to move, here is where I see there is little change in the attitude of my parents after I intentionally did not come home in time for Eid al-Fitr, maybe they realized that all this time they are somewhat different attitude towards me, that it was possible to make changes in my parents. It's good, this is the first time for me to feel happiness in my life, my parents granted my request.
Father came to seribandung for aliyah to the principal, it feels so heavy I see from his facial expressions as chief cleric Makki aliyah to allow me to move, I was a little closer to him. But I had a round with my decision, which he proposed various offers for me still I at my establishment, which moved. Makki cleric was finally allowed me to move from seribandung to ittifaqiah.
